i've been very sad today. *tear* i dunno why. nichole comes back from class after school all happy. of course, it doesn't annoy her when casey talks to her, right? only when i talk to her. and she makes me feel like crap. bleh. she goes around chris when hes sick, but not around me when i'm sick. that makes me sad. she acts like i'm a disease, yet she hugging and kissing chris. course, i dont expect her to kiss me, only hug, which she would not do. she pitied chris, she never acted like that towards me. it makes me so sad. and then shes all like, what am i doing on the comp. when i say typing ni xanga, she gives me a look. she got mad at me for getting on the net. instead of reading my book. i said i was gonna start. she didn't believe me, then she started saying that she didn't care. so, she doesn't care about me. my conclusion. oh, how i feel like crap today.

all day long i have been sad. not once have i been really talkative, maybe when i went over to izzle, but that's all. i've been like this all day and it is not me. i feel so sad. i feel like crying.

ugh, how i'm hating this. and nichole just makes me sad. bleh. i dont feel like she cares. she thinks i'm lying to her a lot. well, whatever. i'll prove her wrong. i read yesterday. i'm going to read in a little bit. she gives chris sympathy, where's mine? no one gave me any when i was sick. made me feel like crap. she never tlaks to me anymore. no one ever calls me. i always do all the calling. no one bothers with me any more. dont come find me to talk to me. don't sur[rise me by standing next to me when i least expect it. don't care for me.

dont cry for me, i'm already broken.

and valentine's day. i've always wanted a valentine. i never had one. i've always wanted soemone to surprise me. i play it out in my head. someone i least expect, brings me flowers and candies and asks me to be their valentine, all in class. in front of people. makes me smile and blush. he hugs me. i feel safe in his arms, for once. i'd trust him. he would have won over my heart. but my heart is so cold. all what has happened to it is pretending, then hurt. nothing was ever real. and i just got hurt, over and over. stab after stab. more and more pain. insults. hurt. anger. lies. harassment. hurt. hurt. hurt. hurt.

and no one comforts me. i have no shoulder to cry on. where do i go for comfort? consoling? for kind owrds? no one. i have no one. no one. it's because i'm no one at all.no one to everyone. i'm invisible. that's all that i am. just there. silly little stevie. there for a good laugh. there to talk to when you're hurting. there for advice. there for a smile. a kind heart. there when you need me. but where are you when i needed someone? or when i still do need someone. you were gone. you ran away after you thought i was fine, that;s all that everyone does. after they think that everyhting is fine, they forget about me. that's all that i am, now.

forgotten no one. that's all i'll ever be in this life

ps.
my eyes look so much more blue when i cry. i bet no one except for me has noticed. plus, they never notice me when i cry. how would they notice my eyes? i love eyes, happy ones are the best to look into.

we bought a Bible at 6th grade reading level for someone who is a little mentally slow. the one she has now is a little difficult for her tom understand. so, we went out and bought one for her. it ame me feel real nice.

i had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends at riverpark (hang out spot for a lot of teens). i dont usually go there. i made a lot of people smile. the lady at the bible store place, the guy at johnny rockets. i think he liked me. i got the whipped cream from my friends shake and i had it in my soda. : P and when he refilled our drinks, i said it was weird looking cuz i had whipped cream in it. when he was refilling it, he asked if i wanted more, and i asked if he was serious. he said yea. and i said sure. it made me smile. i love making people smile. it makes me feel nice

my friends said that i'm ditzy a lot. but i'm still smart. it's weird. i'm just slow, that's all. : P i love making people laugh

tomorrow is the play.

i think someone in my gov class likes me

i got asked out this weekend. my formal date asked if i wanted to go to a movie or soemthing this weekend. i said i was busy. so he said what about during the week after school? i said i was busy. then i tols him the truth that i didn't wanna go out on a date. i didn't say "with you" but i think that it was implied. i felt bad. oh well.

my dad makes me angry. he is such a baby. ergh. i need to get off the comp and do homework for friday. bleh. i really hate dad.

bleh.

sick

vday is coming up

anger.

sadness

i hate that day.

hate

hate

hate

now, i will wallow in my own self pity as i watch sweet romantic movies and old TV shows, wishing for something like that, assuming that is the only true way to feel happy, even tho i kno that it isn't. but everyone seems so happy with each other, while i'm there, sitting. looking. asking are you happy? because they look and sound so happy. leaving me out of their laughter. whatever. i dont care.

ok, you kno i really do or i wouldnt be writing this. i am so happy for the people who have someone, yet i envy them so much. oh, how lonely i feel. never once, never!!!! not once have i ever had a valentine. yet, i was so close, but no.

so, valentin's day is coming up. me, i'm wearing a shirt with a hear that is crossed out with love bites written under it, but lets not forget the black. right? morbid, right? because i have no one and never had anyone

and now i'm miserable because of my allergies. yet, i want to be better, trying to be better, but i feel like crap.

hate

anger

cough

people are so fake. it makes me sick

am i fake? i really hope not. this is who i am.

i'm a person who manipulates others, tho i love my friends who are my true friends so incredibly much that i would not manipluate them. i love you guys. but i get sad. no one knos. i feel so alone. seeing people having each other. i envy them. especially around this time of the year.

and yet, they argue. do you kno how good you have it? i dont think so.....

i feel so alone and they dont understand. i'm tired of what they say. i'm tired of how they act. i'm tired of people

people are fake

some really smell

so rude

mean

how can they like you? you are an awful person

that my BPD showing? bad person....

i need to get out of this room....

stop arguing. please. you two are so silly. stuff seems so good, yet you get any little thing and make it a huge problem.

later days

true stevie

people have left me mean comments. sheesh. they dont even kno me and calling me and calling me a whore and that i fake being depressed. well, whatever. i dont care. i haven't posted in a while. broke ti off with brna. he was a jerk. got in a play. have my permit. new group of friends and they are better, but i miss oine person form my old group. and uhh...stuff is going good. yup yup. later days

it's beem quite a while since i have posted in here. let's see if i can update in like, a few sentences...shall we?

welp, got a b/f, Brandon, tlaked for 2 weeks and been together for 2 weeks. he said that he might be starting to fall in love with me. haven't been practicing bass. got hurt by tanya. got hurt by phillip. doing ok in school. still going to church. hopefully get a part in play.

ok...that's about it. i'm home alone for like the first time in like forever. sheese. this is the slowest i have ever been with a bf. go me!!! woot woot!

i'm afraid getting into a serious relationship. i'm not allowed to like him much cuz like, it's weird.

i really am so confused you ahve no idea!!!! i don't kno what to do....and it kinda tasted like dirt...my burrito. eek.

 

LOL you sound like a total Slut.. no like really Someones always touching you and you don't try to stop it because you know that you like it you have feelings for so many boys its no wonder there all trying to get with you Its quiet sad 50 cent hoe but no money needed you act like you give a damn about them touching you because you dont want your good girl rep to go away  its funny how much hate your getting lately Hey maybe when your older you can lose the im a good church girl fake attitude and work for play boy there always open to sluts

Posted 9/20/2003 at 5:01 PM by Dooode - delete - block user

whoever wrote that was mean. i'm not sure how it made me feel. made me laugh, yet ti was real mean to say.
i like phillip
i might like brandon. i asked how he fel toward me, yet he said what did i mean, i did not feel like answering it. sooo....i dont kno how he feels. i dont kno how i fell. hm. ergh. darn feelings. sheese.
i dont like guys
except for brandon
and phillip
but he was mean
i dont kno anymore.
i cut a little bit. not bad cuts, but i made a lot of real tiny ones. i dont kno why. i was like, getting made it my arm. i guess i let that person get to me, because i think i felt dirty so i punished myself. punishment. now it stings, and i love that feeling, yet i kno if my friends knew, they wouldn't love that. so i mustn't tell anyone.
confused. later days

much love...
steph

i don't get her!!! ther i am! crying!!! crying ni front of her. she practically shows no notice to me crying. she says that i am the only one who cries over her. why is she not taking my helping hand? why does she turn me away? she says that she'll only change if she sees josh and his family. i feel like i'm nothing to her! i mean nothing! there i am...shedding my tears. showing how weak i am. wanting her to want me back. why? why? i wont call her a slut. i'll hold her. i'll care for her, yet she doesn't feel the same for me. i feel like i could be bleeding in front of her...dying, and yet she would do nothing. i feel like i could save her life and she would give no gratitude. she wants to be like me. she doesn't let herself change. it makes me angry. she has said she doesn't wanna change. then she does tell me she wants to change but not now...she doesn't kno when or how. she can. she just has no will to, i guess. i am so lost. i feel so, helpless. i wanna do something. force her to change. make her listen. i was crying. crying so much. i had to elave and cry on my brother's bed because i didn't want her to see me crying so much. yes, at first i was crying for her, then i was crying for me after she never showed anything for me. i am there, reaching out my hand for her to grab, yet she acts as tho there is nothing. like i'm not there. i curled up in a ball and just cried. i go back in the living room to see her standing, looking outside. first i went to the tabel where i left her and had thought she left. hopefully she'll think about everything i told her. i told her she is empty. i think she agreed. i told her she needed God, she didn't really seem to agree. she is really going to get herslf messed up and i only wish there was more that i could do. i know people care for me. i kno they care, especially when i see them cry over me. that hurts. did i hurt her? i was crying over her. did that not affect her one bit? did that mean nothing to her? do i mean nothing to her? because i feel like i am nothing

dreaming about what it'd be like to do something i don't do anymore. i like daydreaming. it's fun. i am such a "reality? what's that?" kinda person. i am in my own little world most of the time. i like to not think about what really is going on. lalala life is easy. sometimes. i just let stuff happen one day at a time. not gonna rush anything. i live life to the fullest. not every day to the fullest, cuz i choose to sleep. heh i like to sleep and eat. very enjoyful. yup yup i'm eating now. i got a happy meal today and brought it to school for lunch. i went off campus. lol i don't care what people think of me. : ) they can think i'm a dork...

DORK....
Disciples Of a Risen King

yup yup...that's me alright! woot woot!

welp, not much else to say, later days

much love...
steph

i cried at youth group tonight. i confessed that i still need to see someone and that stuff was still getting to me. i play myself off to be as someone else, but really, i'm still the same old steph, sad, lonely, depressed. argh. my memoreis still hurt me. they are what cause me so much pain in my life. i need to forgive myself for never really doing anything. it's not my fault. i just told one adult that he did more than just touch my breasts. urgh. that's weird that i actually told someone. it felt better to tell an adult. she said i should tell dave, but that'd just be too weird!!! argh! i hate it so much. why won't these awful memories go away? i feel like scracthing at my eyes to make the visions of them, him, that night, go away. i see it, it feel like it is going on again. every time i see him at church, i get scared. uncomfortable. urgh. well i gotta go. later days

welp, tanya and i are kewl. i'm still really confused on how i feel towards her. ehh. but today she cam up to me saying that someone said that i told them that she was bi and likes hitting on me! i so only told like one person anything close to that! that was nichole. sooo not right! it hen i felt bad and wanted to hug her and then she was all, that'll really make them think that. and then at lunch i slpper her butt and she slapped mine back and then she was all...no wonder why people think we're bi. lol funny stuff, let me tell ya!